I ain't the same girl I've been around three years back . I tried to convince myself that its the things around me that changed , people changed and life changed. But today , as I slowly gain back my consciousness , I realize that none of these things actually changed.
In reality and in point of fact, its who I am that changed. I have changed. I have learned what love means,what caring and trusting meant and most importantly , what loneliness means. Sometimes , I just feel that the best people in life are the ones that get brokenhearted, time and time again and can still open their hearts to love. Because there is nothing like this exasperating pain of heart break. At times, it might even take forever to heal.
Being depressed for months together over something that's never going to be worth .. its like ,falling into a bottomless pit. I didn't want to get up out of the bed. I just wanted to lie there all day. Forget the world. Forget you. But, I knew I couldn't. I had to get up. Dress up. Put on my face. Fake that smile. Get through my day. Without you... But, I don't think you would have made it any better. You sure did enough. I don't want to fall for it again ,I don't want to drown and I just don't want those memories to flood back .
I wanted to run away ,run away to a place where these happy, yet bitter memories would be magically withdrawn,where you no longer have to weep , where you're under the light of the angels and you no longer have to worry about how your tomorrow is going to be passed. Call me a dreamer , but I know I was never like this in the past. Maybe .. just maybe ,you are the reason for this change in me. You've taught me what being happy means ,stuff I thought that were only possible in the fairy-tales. The worst part is .. you've no idea that you've actually taught me how to live.
I told myself a million times that this is never going to mean what I think it will. I needed to get over myself to get over him ..Sadly, things only seemed to get worse. I realized my depression had wrapped itself around our friendship; any little thing he said or did could set me off. I cried myself to sleep almost every night. Nobody could help me heal this and every time I was alone ,tears rolled down unrealized. It was impossible and probably one of the worst state I had ever been in. And it was tough , unpleasant for me to separate my true feelings from the depression, and the confusion made our friendship almost unbearable.
Here I am , after three months. Honestly, the pain is still there. But somehow ,the grief has narrowed. Now, I know how to accept things and how to react to them. I know what this feeling is ,what anybody might be going through if they're in a similar condition. I know what it means to 'be there' for someone.
Every day ,I'm more and more grateful to him and others in my life for making me feel stronger with each passing moment. I loved him more than anything, still do and always will. And although there are more trials ahead of us and we may not last forever, I will always remember our time together and never regret those deviant emotions in this lifetime.
