Unfound l'amour

I, an almost 18 year old girl, incapable of romantic love? It's quite embarrassing to think or talk about.. almost laughable at how pathetic that seems. If my story were told to a random stranger I’m sure they would think the reason would be that I am some dirty-faced, antisocial, impersonable, loner. I'll have you know, I am none of those things. I'm told I look beautiful. I have friends, great friends; the majority of which are in healthy normal relationships. I however, am not.


I'm not saying I am not loved, because I really am - but not that way. Not in the way that is different from anything else and can make you feel the way that nothing else can. I wonder what it’s like to know you are loved that way. It fascinates me because it is completely foreign to me. Its like imagining what it would feel like to be weightless in a rocket ship on its way to the moon.


People want me, but not enough. Not enough to take it past the initial thrill of it. and I know how it works, oh I’ve seen it hundreds of times. heard it, watched it.. just not in person, that's all. I've seen people experiencing it. Now and then, people tell me how fairy tale their love life is. I wonder about the day when I will be the one people are watching.


'Cause love is divine. I don't know .. I haven't found it , yet I feel all these things for it.


I have all of these things I want to do before I die ; sky diving , learn to play guitar, scuba diving, silly things like that.
But more than any of those things, I would like to experience the feeling of being completely and utterly loved. In a way that not your parents, your best friend nor your sister loves you. But the love you get from someone that you feel the same about. Maybe thats the silliest of all, but to me it is the most important.


I don’t know. I really, truly don’t know, as I’ve said a thousand times before and will probably continue saying until I get my answer - if I get an answer. sometimes it seems as though i'm reaching in the dark, for something I know must be there but its just so hard to find.


I still hold on to a tiny thread of hope that one day it’ll hit me over the head and I'll realize I’ve finally found what I’ve been looking for, for as long as I can remember. For many reasons, I am glad it’s taking me this long to find someone, because I think when it happens, I’ll just stand there baffled.

But fuck, sometimes I just get sick of being lonely. I get sick of having to rely on myself and my imagination for any kind of deeper mental or emotional stimulation. It’s getting to a point now where, I’ve had way too much time to think. My heart is forming cobwebs because the people I met, the experiences I've had so far, just aren’t cutting it. I think my imagination has had far too much time to become so specific in designing what my heart wants, I’m scared reality is just never going to compare. How can it? I never really gave it a chance. I’m torn between wanting only the best for myself and impatience. How much longer is it really going to take?

I feel like it’s impossible because I’ve made it impossible. I want magic. I want to feel such an intense pull towards someone it’s like our worlds just crashed into each other, changing them and me and everything I thought I knew. I want fireworks, and butterflies and magnetism, something tumultuous and huge and exciting and new. I want something to pull me out of myself and my head and my over-analysis and make me feel again, because I’ve forgotten. And I don’t think I can get it back on my own. But I’m scared I’m waiting out for a super unrealistic ideal that I’ve created for myself. I’m scared I’m chasing nothing. And every day it’s getting harder and harder to have faith in myself and everything I believe in.



To those who have found love ,don't let go, hold on tight ,because he or she is a keeper. And be inspired by that love , 'cause people like me who long to find ''the one'' envy you and can't wait to be in your position :).